2010 MIDTERM ELECTION WINNERS AND LOSERS

MOST EXCITING AWARDS SHOW YET!!!! MIKE HUCKABEE SIGHTING GREATLY EXAGGERATED AFTER ALL!!!! BIG FOOT GETS JOB ON RAND PAUL SECURITY TEAM!!!

Here are your winners for the Midterm Election Awards:

MOST LIKELY TO KICK SOMEBODY TO CURB AND IN SIDE OF HEAD-

Rand Paul Security Detail- Guess you need to be a keyholder to get into this Tea Party.

MOST LIKELY TO END CAREER IN A CHURCH BASEMENT INTRODUCING HIMSELF TO A GROUP OF STRANGERS WITH "MY NAME IS..... AND I'M A.....-

John Boehner- The liquid eyed, oompa loompa- looking leader of the house. Pass the coppertone, oh wait, you already have a copper tone.

MOST LIKELY TO END UP AS SARAH PALIN RUNNING MATE IN 2012-

Michelle Bachman- Proved that one hundred mile vacant stares were all the rage in campaign stops for Tea Partiers and could easily see own grandeur from her back porch. Plus dumb white guys think she's hot.

Here are your losers for the midterms-

MOST LIKELY TO REGRET EVERY DECISION FROM THIS POINT FORWARD-

Satan- Way to go Luke, you thought signing contract with Dick Army and Tea Party was a good idea at the time, now your stuck in a pit of fire with these crackers for time immemorial.

MOST LIKELY TO CHOOSE DIFFERENT CAREER PATH AFTER BUTT-KICKING-

All democratic losers- And you thought your party cared about you. Time to start third party progressive group that will destroy all hopes of a democratic controlled house, senate and presidency for the next 20 years. It worked for Ralph Nader and others who I can't recall at the time because they joined the Where Are They Now Club soon after third party embarrassments.

MOST LIKELY TO BE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT THEIR SELF -ABLSORBED FACEBOOK STATUS THAN THE FORWARD PROGRESS OF THE NATION-

The youth vote- Guess you forgot to set your alarm clocks for the hour of accountability on election day. Oh, well, at least you can point to the irony of it all and snarkily comment on it to all of your fast fading friends.

American Chaos Salutes all the companies who sell products made in the far east!!!

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE WHO'S MAKING MONEY, IS MAKING IT WITH FAR EAST FACTORY SWEAT SHOP PRODUCTS!!!

Good old American Know How just took a non-stop flight over the ocean to China and Japan to see what kind of clothing, toys, furniture, automobiles, technology, kitchen accessories, and every other product used by the American Consumer is in shape to be sold at Target, Walmart, Sears, Verizon, Old Navy, Gap, and other popular shopping stops. One executive was so impressed, he promised to line the pockets of Senators and Congressmen who were running for office under the dishonest policy of helping the working man of America by hiring the working children of China. Sweat shops, as they are referred to by communist, socialist, child-molesting, pro-abortion, gay loving, animal sex enthusiast liberals , are wonderful places where entire villages are constructed complete with nets for anyone who accidently falls out of a fourth floor factory worker apartment building window, poor ventilation systems created by chinese children, and American business stamps of approval on all products made with lead, toxic chemicals and other items kids just can't seem to keep their hands off of in the far east, especially if they work 14 hour shifts.

So, congratulations, USA! You're keeping the cogs of industrial progress humming like a tone-deaf elementary music teacher in Kansas. Now, take your shoes off before re-entering the world of libel and character assassination known as mid term elections. And remember, you can't afford those Asian hookers without selling some of those Asian shoes made by the fresh-faced youth and future of Asia and World Economics. Sleep tight.

BECKATHON TURNS TO CRACKERFEST 2010!!!

FOX NEWS IDIOT RALLIES RACISTS AND PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO DRESS AS UNCLE SAM!!!

Glenn Beck held a rally in the capitol of the nation today to celebrate all things Glenn Beck. He declared that he was the only person who could continue the civil rights movement that MLK started at the same spot in the 1960's. He then asked all black people to go to the end of the line of people buying all kinds of crap with Mr. Beck's name and likeness on it in a self promoting scam that only PT Barnum or KISS could pull off. Sean Hannity, rubbed his enormous forehead and wondered aloud how such a boob could beat him in the ratings game. Bill 'O' Reilly wore a cheap disguise and taunted Mr. Beck from the stage with a megaphone and heckling standards like "Keep your day job", "When am I supposed to laugh?" and " You're on the no-spin zone".

Thousands of white people dressed up as Uncle Sam, Betsy Ross and other cracker icons who no longer hold the interest of anyone under the age of 30. Some crackers called the president a muslim, carried signs depicting him as Hitler, and generally carried on like the Civil War never happened, the Civil Rights Bill never passed, and each one of them dropped out of high school and life before they had to take their American History and Constitution class requirements. The Birthers showed up in the Birthmobile, made up of flimsy evidence and old parts from Edsels, K-cars, and American Know How. Beck allowed people to attend the rally for free, but all participants had to buy Beck merchandise if they wanted to leave the event. Oh, and there were some teabaggers who attended who had never read Common Sense by Thomas Payne because they couldn't find the time and had other intellectually imposing tomes on their recently foreclosed night stands like Ann Coulter's " Liberals Ruined My Uterus", and Sarah Palin's "Maverickin Your Butt".

Dr. Joe McCratty: Don't Say You Weren't Warned About The British!

DR. JOE SEES THRU BRITISH AND THEIR PETROLEUM RUSE!!!!

This is Dr. Joe McCraddy, from The Institute of Things You Should Know.

Did you know that the British don't know the first thing about petroleum, haven't any interest in it at the moment, and may very well be yanking your chain when it comes to the future of petro?

Information has crossed this desk that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that our friends across the pond are not the Great Brits they claim to be, when it comes to dealing with both crude and civil-tongued oil products. Some may even say they are not even Okay Brits.

A document sent to us by someone in the inner circles of Number 10 Downing Street indicates that poor dental care, yorkshire pudding, and those subversives known as the Beatles are simply a ploy to keep Americans looking at the one hand, while the other plants ideas in the heads of children to simply give back the USA to Britain and let bygones be bygones.

I point you to that ringing bell of reason, Paul Revere, who warned you that the British were coming, and you all ignored him, choosing to let it get so out of control, that these teasippers are now poised to ruin our entire gulf coast with their inferior oil product and simple minded leadership that is always led by some Washrag named Tony.

When it comes to petroleum, let America do what it does best. Let us beg, borrow and steal to cleanse our sullied reputations and drill where no man has drilled before. I am fairly sure none of us wants to be stuck driving to work in a car powered by British petroleum, when it can be powered by American know how and good, old gasoline - the kind my mother used to use to clean out our ears.

So, don't fall for all this British petroleum bunk, they aren't anymore interested in making energy out of oil than we are at watching sissies in shorts kick a ball into a net big enough to cover Rhode Island.

And Remember, always remember,

Watch Out!

Memorial Day- A tribute to those who served and didn't come back

MEMORIAL DAY 2010- When will we ever learn

They say that we are doomed to repeat the past when we don't pay close enough attention to the lessons that it teaches all of us. Sure, we will lay wreaths and flowers at the graves of those who we romantically connect to the heroism of service to our nation. We will have veterans and politicians speak through screachy monitors about the good life that is surrendered so others don't have to surrender one moment of their lives for others. And there will be parades down our suburban streets led by troops who have returned home to a world that must seem stranger than the one they left years ago. We will grill, go to the beach, watch blockbuster summer epics about Iron men and Robin Hoods who know more about tea parties than any of these fat white guys who diet on vitriol and bitterness on Fox every night. We will carry a heavy place in our hearts for those who never got to realize their youthful dreams because they did not reside at the proper address of social economics and higher education. Both parties will exploit this day to sell their wares to any and all comers, like the wild west snakeoil pushers of long ago. The sun will come up tomorrow and there will be veterans at our hospitals who may not be covered by health care, can't get proper treatment for PTS or night terrors, or came back to jobs that are no longer available to them because time just went on without them and nobody was asked to sacrifice in a manner to feel what they feel. We will wave flags and drive our bumper sticker-laden cars to whereever it is we need to go to pay the bills and forget. Perfectly healthy individuals will bray about "supporting the troops!", but will be nowhere to be seen when their asked to volunteer to serve. Nothing will take a toll on one soul tomorrow that will demonstrate that we have learned anything from this day and the hurt it will forever represent to some families who won't see their child reach their ultimate potential. That is a truly sad comment on who we are becoming in the year 2010 and a clarion call to make our time together matter in ways that red and blue colored maps will never understand.

Tim's Tirade- Vampires Suck!!

Dennis Miller ranted, Jay Leno had his beef, Keith Olbermann added his special comments, and now the unique voice of Tim Thomas has his own place for tangents in his very first column- Tim's Tirade!! (Picture at left of actual tirade office).

Tim's Tirade-Vampires suck!!!

Vampires suck! Not just blood, they suck the life out of every creative avenue that the permit driving puberty population of American turns down, as long as they are accompanied by an approved adult who approves of their zombie like spending on the type of books, films, TV shows, websites, and merchandise that help keep the eternally youthful Count in his castle in Transylvania or the cast of Twilight in the spotlight for the duration of their 15 minutes of fame.

Vampires suck! Way to go Van Helsing- didn't have the heart to drive that spike through the heart of Dracula, had to let him off easy so he could cash out at the blood bank of recycled ideas and long dead concepts known as Hollywood originality- Softie. Buffy didn't slay enough neck-biters to keep wooden acting, leaden dialogue and tweenmo girls from growing up to become one stop shoppers at the not-so-sweet retreat- the DQ- Drama Queen. Next time you want to kill vampires, send an Army of Darkness who know where They Live and won't be afraid to send someone who "came to kick ass and chew bubble gum" and find themselves woefully lacking in bubblegum at the moment.

Vampires suck! The way Stephanie Meyers' writing sucks- slow painful draws of blood from the reader life line- cursed to live in a hypnotic haze under the manipulative power of media market studies, social networking faux friendships or fauxships, and goose-stepping to shoe or boot- gazing emocrud, the musical dronings of MGMT or some other overrated band that wouldn't get a recording contract if we actually weeded out the good, the bad and the downright ugly like Darwin and Duke Ellington envisioned this all going down some day, before the Taylor Swiftian world of American Idol and indie-school poseurs opened the doors of perception and let everybody with a neck beard, a voice unable to attain a whisper or a scream, and a Philosophy 101 C grade grasp of the world in for an open house tour of the zietgeist, now with 50% less zeit, absolutely zero geist, and artificially sweetened pretensions.

Vampires suck! Listen, I'm not against the occassional vampire living in the neighborhood of pop culture as long as they have an ankle bracelet and register with the local authorities on a predatory night creeps list, I'm just stating the obvious- the VQ or vampire quota has been met, introduced, and allowed to mingle at the overinvited modern influence party until it has gone from witty wonder who entertains the easily entertained, to overindulged house pest who can't pick up social cues like an Asperger kid with Vitamin B deficiency and an act that was retired and old before it debuted at the work place water cooler last Wednesday.

Vampires suck!! If you're over 14 years old and you still care about what these McDreamsickles Turned McNightmares of Ice Cream Chilled Soullessness write in their ghost written Vampire Diaries, your development has been arrested, taken into custody, provided legal counsel, and held without bail to await a trial of your brain dead peers, texting and tweeting their True Blood thoughts to one another like anyone cares or has the time of day to waste on such trivial pursuits.

Vampires suck! When's the last time you can remember a vampire giving back to society what they so selfishly took in the first place- our blood relation to the world of real life where we are free to ride the Wall of Death when we want and not when Count Floyd decides? Please find the Lost Boys before they become the lost generation living on the Lost island of misfit boys, and tell them it isn't cute or rebellious to insist on never growing up and having orgies in the age of horrendous social diseases, diseases like their very existance in the first place. See who's lurking in the Dark Shadows of Nostalgia, ready to pounce on the first signs of a bandwagon rolling through town, and whatever you do, don't send and Invitation to a Vampire for any social get together- There's a reason these poorly coiffed, coffin dwelling dweebs don't see the light of day- They take the Last Train to Dullsville, and I, for one, refuse to board that train.

TEA BAGGERS ARE PEOPLE TOO!

Tea Baggers, those pasty-skinned white people with the poorly made protest signs of President Obama wearing a Hitler mustache, are people too! Whether misspelling racial epithets, making colonial hats out of construction paper or simply attending a Lil' Wayne concert, Tea Baggers are people too! Tea Baggers love making wildly innacurate claims about the government, hanging on every word that falls out of the mouths of Fox news anchors, bumping uglies, rolling through the hood dropping 40 ouncers, and bringing the bling on the grill and the rings. So the next time you are quick to stereotype our friend the Tea Bagger, remember Tea Baggers are people too!