NEWS ACROSS AMERICA: YEAR AND DECADE END REVIEW

2009. The year of doing without for some and just whining about not being able to update toys for others. 2009. The year a man of color became president for the first time in our history and some ignorant racists reacted by carrying signs of that colored president in White face like the minstrel shows of long ago. 2009. The year Joe Wilson's War on decorum won a decisive victory for insecure white males everywhere. The year the Democrats became the Bureaucrats , foregoing progressive vision for short-sighted blind devotion to lobbyists and republicannibalizing of health care and global warming issues. So here are the five favorite reminders of why many are glad this year and decade are over:

1. Texting/Tweeting/ Social Networking- The continued need for people to pollute the world with their lame videos, awkward attempts at humor, and "friending" anyone who gave them the time of day proved that the country had no idea how stupid it looked to anyone on the outside. That plummeting sound is the IQ of all of us, present company included. When will the day come when we don't have to actually talk to each other face to face? When will shorthand just evaporate into sh.....?

2.Heep big trouble in the land of plenty- The unemployment goes up, up, up,while the values of everything go down, down, down. Thank god we were anesthetized by on line books, hand held videos, and other technology designed to keep our eye on the nice birdie while the burglars ransacked the whole country. It must be hard for all of us if we can only afford the 40 inch plasma TV and 200 dollar tickets to U2. Life must really suck, America.

3.Reality TV stars versus people of substance- Discuss- Access Hollyweird, E! News So True, So False, So What, Jon and Kate plus Hate, The beginning of one of the couple names combined with the beginning of the other couple name to bring about such oddities as Kate and Alex Hudriguez or Brangelina or Satan and Dick Cheney resulting in the movie Legion. Yes, reality stars were big news all over this year and the decade. Screw Molecular Engineers and Cornell West, when it comes to the zietgeist of the red, white and blues, the more vapid climb more rapid, and The Hills is always more interesting than the Capitol Hills.

4. I'm with stupid- See Jeff Sessions entire career, also reference all live interviews on Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity involving white people holding placards depicting Dachau or other Holocaust horrors without indicating one iota of knowledge about the history of the world according to everyone who actually lived through it.

5. Whispery wimps singing about their sensitive lives- Rock and roll was meant to be played loud with no respect for the current ruling class. One more toothpick singing about his latest relationship on a grandfalloon or fiddle and AC will personally see that their ear drums blead from our rude late night parties featuring every song your parents told you was written by the devil. By the way , those songs were written by the devil. Jesus digs jazz. Just listen to Coltrane on Giant Steps or Alabama. Rock is the home for people who gave up caring a long time ago and have the bail card to prove it. Long live rock, indie posers. For AC, just hook us up to some DC in Washington or elsewhere and we are good to go for weeks at a time.

The Fried Truth: The War On Christmas Casualties Pile Up!

Bill 'O' Reilly and Glenn Beck continue to fight the good fight for Christmas. And the only thing they are sacrificing is their sanity and common sense. Why just the other day, American Chaos went into our public school to pick up the future of this country from Miss America's kindergarten class and we were insulted to find signs that said Happy Holidays, Seasons' Greetings, Happy Kwanza, and Good Luck in the New Year. Not a single reference to the Baby Jesus or the Infant Jesus or even Joseph or Mary or The Little Drummer Boy. We were reminded by Miss America, that if you take a stand on God you will be sent to the Principals' office and told that it is simply intolerable to tolerate one religion over another one in a tolerance tuff school. We were told that the very God-loving, negro-hating, Pharisee acting, tea-bagging founding fathers would not have been able to set foot in that school if they insisted on having Jesus decorations anywhere in plain site. So add to the casualties of temporary sanity, irrational white male god complexes, and religious superiority the loss of construction paper manger scenes hastily made by ADD primary grade boys and girls against the better judgement of any art teacher who would question the reason they ever got into the job in the first place. How about adding the loss of signs that say Merry Christmas or Adeste Fidelis or Gods' Blessings or Hannukah, My Ass to our public school hallways. What will they think of next? A Bearded, grandfatherly figure in a red and white suit that obliterates any passing mention of the baby Jesus? We shake in our boots.

Hey, America, You've Been Hosed By The Fist of Federal Leadership!

America gets present from Senate that burns like VD!

The Senate Health Care Bill- the one that won't have extended Medicare, offered Public Options or provided Health Insurance Regulation, but still somehow will cost the people of America 17% of their annual salary- is on the verge of passing. All that is keeping it from being dropped like the Hindenburg or acid rain is the outside chance that the assholes that populate our Senate on both sides of the aisle will have a rabid attack of conscience and realize this is just shilling for the fistings taxpayers have been taking for a century or more. Yes, America, you've been hosed. So don't get sick and bother us with your cries and hues for representation. Like VD, it does clear up, but you'll carry the virus for the rest of your lives. Thanks. Long live gutless leadership and unimaginative ass kissing. You guys in the Senate really know how to outdo yourselves in both those categories.

News Across America

SPECIAL HOLIDAY EDITION!!!!

Speeding across the zeitgeist of popular opinion, burrowing into the earthy populism of pundidiots and pundinkuses, pulling out every grain of truth like peas in a TV dinner, American Chaos brings you another installment of News Across America.

The Christ in Christmas was taken by a bunch of teenaged hooligans and placed at the beginning of Martin Luther King Day where it will now read "Christ Martin Luther King Day". The same hooligans took the Reason For The Season, scrambled the letters, and printed out an indecipherable message including the words "ass" and "rears". Local authorities immediately zeroed in on the entire Freshman class at Westinghouse High and had some stern advice for the Gregory boys and Steve Dooblex. " This one had Gregory boys written all over it", stated Officer Jim Gregory ,after showing the NAA a photo of the incident with the words Gregory Boys painted all over the vandalized area.

The Republicans and Democrats also got into the holiday mood this week by coming up with a health care package that would include a family photo of all the senators who voted against the public option and a warm greeting ending with going and doing something to yourself.

Joe Lieberman is going to celebrate Hannukah this year with eight continuous nights of whining and kvetching about Joe Lieberman. He plans to give a gift to American each night, starting with cheaply wrapped chocolates and ending with a resignation speech. Thanks, Joe. You really know how to put the "ah" in Hannukah.

Finally, we end this special Holiday News Across America with a shout out to Kwanza for coming up with a cooler Santa, a better use of the dradle, and a way to pass the time between Christmas and New Year's that involves something about seven different themes, none of which white people bother to remember unless they are making fun of it in a racially insensitive, but nonetheless hilarity-free manner on Rush Limbaugh.

So this year keep the News Across America on the forefront of your social agenda and remember our Year in Review Show is only 23 days away!!!