News Across America

SPECIAL HOLIDAY EDITION!!!!

Speeding across the zeitgeist of popular opinion, burrowing into the earthy populism of pundidiots and pundinkuses, pulling out every grain of truth like peas in a TV dinner, American Chaos brings you another installment of News Across America.

The Christ in Christmas was taken by a bunch of teenaged hooligans and placed at the beginning of Martin Luther King Day where it will now read "Christ Martin Luther King Day". The same hooligans took the Reason For The Season, scrambled the letters, and printed out an indecipherable message including the words "ass" and "rears". Local authorities immediately zeroed in on the entire Freshman class at Westinghouse High and had some stern advice for the Gregory boys and Steve Dooblex. " This one had Gregory boys written all over it", stated Officer Jim Gregory ,after showing the NAA a photo of the incident with the words Gregory Boys painted all over the vandalized area.

The Republicans and Democrats also got into the holiday mood this week by coming up with a health care package that would include a family photo of all the senators who voted against the public option and a warm greeting ending with going and doing something to yourself.

Joe Lieberman is going to celebrate Hannukah this year with eight continuous nights of whining and kvetching about Joe Lieberman. He plans to give a gift to American each night, starting with cheaply wrapped chocolates and ending with a resignation speech. Thanks, Joe. You really know how to put the "ah" in Hannukah.

Finally, we end this special Holiday News Across America with a shout out to Kwanza for coming up with a cooler Santa, a better use of the dradle, and a way to pass the time between Christmas and New Year's that involves something about seven different themes, none of which white people bother to remember unless they are making fun of it in a racially insensitive, but nonetheless hilarity-free manner on Rush Limbaugh.

So this year keep the News Across America on the forefront of your social agenda and remember our Year in Review Show is only 23 days away!!!