Extreme Close Up with TJ McPigg of Sell Oil Enterprises

TJ McPiggs Opens Up to Chaos!!!

Rare interview with Captain of Industry and Man Lacking Any Ethics!!!!

AC- American Chaos

TJ- TJ Mc Piggs- President of Sell Oil.

AC- You once stated that "the world would all be wearing towels on their heads, if it wasn't for Sell Oil and their Drilling and Swilling Program." Can you explain what you meant by that?

TJ- (Laughs so hard bubbles come out his nostrils). Oh, I mean to tell you that was a good one! Them Camel Jockeys really got their undies in a bunch over that one. I simply meant that if Sell Oil didn't drill every square inch of this wonderful world and then spend money on call girls at conventions or gas guzzling cars, we'd all be taking orders from Abdul and the night visitors.

AC- Do you have any regrets about that statement or any other denigrating comments about your competition or the world?

TJ- Sheee It, Young Feller. Oil boys bring the noise, oil men bring it again, and oil tycoons act like buffoons. It takes alot of Texas toast to make alot of texas tea and sometimes you burn the toast and scald the tea, I mean to tell you.

AC- Finally, why would you and Sell Oil advertise on a blog that has criticized your company for years?

TJ- Your money is as green as the next guy and I don't remember any body losing sleep over a few smart ass college kids telling jokes and causing trouble. Hell, I am going to fly out of this interview in a jet paid for by them saps at the gas pump, so I don't see any troubles taking your cash as long as the check don't bounce. Hell, if it do bounce, I'll dribble it all the way to the bank.

New Chaos Column Starts Today!

THE LITTLE ANGRY GUY IS PISSED OFF ABOUT....

The Little Angry Guy is Pissed Off about Things He Has No Control Over!!!!!

I am the Little Angry Guy. I used to be the Wirey Perturbed Fellow, but that wasn't angry enough for the general public. You wanted somebody who was lacking in physical stature, upset to the point of instability, and a male. Thus was born this column.

I will be telling you about things that really piss, hack, and tee me off. I have experience as an adolescent interventionist at various therapieutic programs throughout the 50 states and both Upper and Lower Somoa. I lost my practicing license in Middle Somoa and have not been able to find it since. Oh, well, their loss.

Here is the way I see things. The world is out to get you and me and everybody else if we don't identify our source of anger and lash out at it with unprovoked vitriol.

That leads to todays column. Who the hell decided that it was a good idea to place all those other #$%HOLES!!!!! in front of me on my way to work? I know I can't do anything about it, but it doesn't make me any less angry. Get them out of my way now or I'll get progressively more out of touch with my anger. What about government rules? Why do we have to go by their rules when we don't even like the b^st^rds?

For the love of Christ, who stuck this rock in front of my toe and stubbed it? Can you see how cheesed off I am about all this cr^p? Next week- Who the f$%k asked you?

Chaos Exclusive!!! This guy holds all the answers to world problems!

Could man on sofa be an oracle, a prophet, or

a passing fancy? The Chaos Chronicles Reveals All!!!!!

Our crack staff at American Chaos has unearthed evidence that the guy sitting on the sofa in the picture that accompanies this article may have all the answers to world problems. The man, who we will simply call The Sofa Sage from this point on whether we find out his name or not, was freely offering his visionary world paradigm to anybody and everybody who passed him by at his sparsely attended after work get-together. Among the answers he gladly shared with this news service were:

Health care is not a problem as long as you stay healthy!

Global warming, more like global cooling, am I right or am I right?

There is no racism, only people who think everything is racist!

This damned remote doesn't work because the government digitalized our televisions!

If you can't find a job you're either looking in the wrong place or not looking hard enough!

And the nugget that exploded our world order:

The only thing standing between us and Russia is a thin strip of land and a piece of water that is hardly worth mentioning!

We can only present the information that an obviously gifted orator and visionary has placed at our feet and only then will we get a better idea of how this modern day combination of Isaiah, Nostradamus, and Fred in Marketing has transformed this tasteless brown leather sofa in an unmemorable suburban apartment complex into the Fertile Crescent of progressive problem solving. Who says the guys in Quality Control don't know what they're talking about?

The Chaos Chronicles will follow up on this story if this Sofa Sage has anything else to announce to the masses!!

Chaos Kids Club Update

CHAOS
Patty Patriot

K

I

D

S CLUB

NEW PRODUCTS JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS!!!!

Chaos Kids Club is excited to introduce the latest in kidtastic toys!!!

Our very own spokes kid, Patty Patriot, is true to the red, white and blue and great deals for this Christmas. Sorry, Jewish kids, she's not buying that tolerance crap so you'll have to buy your Hannukah junk somewhere else. Patty is strictly about great deals for people who celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus by buying lots of things that tax their family finances and ultimately destroy the happiest of homes.

If you're wondering what to get the kid who has everything and only plans to get more, you may want to pickup The Chris Dodd Connector set complete with Connecticut address, Countrywide loan adjustment, unflattering role in a Michael Moore movie, and dignified head of grey hair. Imagine the hours of fun your child will have peddling influence with the Chris Dodd Connector Set!

Kids loved Blues' Clues and the educational games they could play to satisfy their anxiety provoking yuppie parents, now a new generation can learn how health care gets railroaded by gutless government leaders with the new Blue Dogs. Blue Dogs takes all the elements of Blues' Clues, throws them out for no good reason, and replaces them with interactive games like Turncoat, Party Pooper, and Scaredy Cat. What kid wouldn't want to find that under their tree this year!

Finally, Chaos Kids Club is proud to announce Townhall Meeting, the video game that goes on for hours on end with the kind of graphics that scream "Look at me! Look at me! I'm going to shout you down like a 2 year old, if you don't look at me!" and includes realistic animation right down to foaming mouth, seething rage and psychotic stare. Good luck getting the scary, homeschooled kid down the street out of your basement after he's played an hour of Townhall Meeting.

Chaos Kids Club, the club for everything chaos and kids this Christmas!

Chaossinated: Target Glenn Beck The Train Wreck

GLENN BECK- YOU'RE TIME IS UP!

Glenn Beck, you have 5 minutes and 34 seconds left on your 15 minutes of fame. You wish you were Lonesome Rhodes, when in fact you are a combination of Mad As Hell Howard Biel and Alchoholic Shamster Joe McCarthy. You prey on the witless and the insane, the unstable and the 21st century schizoid. Deer-in-headlighted eyes popping out of your long-gone melon like a childhood Halloween prank that backfired when the innocent kid down the block fell into the well. You put together unfounded conspiracies like Rachel Ray puts together a meal in 30 minutes: heavy on the presentation, light on the substance. Only Fox news in their paranoia that a black America spells a doomed nation could support your unhinged ramblings. Randomly graze through 5 minutes of your nightly medicine show and you may find out that Van Jones and Valerie Jarrett are at the center, the maelstrom, of a brewing race war that will surely mean a world that looks like a combination of Superfly urban ghettification and copulation at a level only rabbits could emulate. It is hard to believe that God made you and Desmond Tutu. It is hard to believe that you suffer the same afflictions that dog every alchoholic who needs to be working out his or her issues in public instead of with a licensed therapist. Are you sure you aren't still drinking? The target has been hit Glenn Wreck, you have been Chaossinated.