Chaos Shopping Club! New product has just arrived!!!

LOOK WHAT'S COMING TO YOUR TOWN!!! THE CHAOS SHOPPING CLUB VAN!

Welcome to the Chaos Shopping Club, your one stop shopping paradise for all those things you thought you needed but really didn't in the long run! This week we have a special on:

Terrorist Cell Phones, for the on the run terrorist who needs his network to follow him anywhere including dead spots like Al Qaeda caves, yellow cake bakeries in Yemen, and anywhere in Cleveland, Terrorist Cell Phones provide the kind of coverage that you just can't get in mountainous terrain or at Taliban border check points without paying a steep monthly rate and roaming with no apparent destination fees . Only 44.95 a month for the entire package plan for first time terrorists. You won't see that price from Sleeper Cellular, Al T & T, or Uprizon. Act now, we'll throw in a personalized pen set.

Catholics, pick up the Pope Benedictaphone for dictating arcane church doctrine with the type of technology that hasn't been used since Second Vatican. 19. 95 and three hail marys.

If you wonder what all the hubbub about this Skip Gates incident is all about, and are tired of hearing the brothers whine about 911 and police profiling, you might want to pick up a deck of Race Cards, the playing cards to use whenever a brother is being treated unfair by a white working class stiff. Race cards, collect them all and trade them with your friends for just a whiff of self respect and dignity. 22.25. Chaos Shopping Club. All offers are final, unless we get a better one.

The word of the day: Becktify

Look who is back on the Chaos Kids Club!!! It's Imperial Word Wizard, Colonel Chaos!!!!

Becktify- 1. to rectify a problem in a manner that makes your egomania grow in proportion to the preposterous nature of the solution you proposed in the first place. Sentence:The entire Republican Party decided to Becktify the problem of a black man being president in a white male power structure by accusing that black man of being a racist who hates white men. 2. to create controversy through irresponsible journalism without siting sources or having no idea what you are talking about in the first place; to speak not to rectify so much as to speak out of one's rectum where one's head may have sought shelter for years. Sentence: The far right wing talk show host decided to Becktify the problem when he threw gasoline on the fire of racial hatred by continuing to claim the black President was not born in America, even though evidence clearly stated the opposite.

Boys and girls, learn a new word every day and the world will learn to hang on your every word. Why, I bet if you're really lucky and the doctor has you on supplements, you could end up with a mustache like the Colonel. Even you girls. Pretty nifty, and it only requires a little mustache wax and a pinch of good, old self esteem. If you have any questions about Colonel Chaos or words in general, please correspond with your Chaos Customer Service member.

The Gun Club with Gunther "Gun" Peterson

Hey, there riflemen and gun toting, keep voting pals of mine! It's time for another Rifle Report from the Gun Club where safety ain't just the thing that keeps you from shooting yourself or somebody else you didn't see behind that deer blind. The midwest is reporting brisk sales of rifles, shotguns and anything else you can pry from the cold, dead hands of childhood gun violence. Special thanks to Walmart for doing their part again. The South and Western Big Sky Country regions are reporting rifles up, targets down, AK47's up, endangered species down. Them liberals out east are lagging behind as usual, the only ones keeping up their side of the gun bargain are New Hampshire and they report brisk sales for those who can't wait all day for some politician to sell them a gun or recently had to stay in a mental health facility to curb their anger and shut them nosey voices down. Inner city gangs report illegal firearms up, male teen population down, drive-by shooting up, responsible gun laws down. Thanks to all our friends at the NRA for that last one, where would this club be without you guys? Well, that's the Gun Club Rifle Report for this week, and tell a victim of a gun crime that guns don't kill people, people with guns kill people. Now, quiet down, I got a clear shot at a deer at the petting zoo.

Dr. Joe McCratty- Let's bring back the bomb for old time sake!

This is Dr. Joe McCratty from the Institute of Things You Should Know About.

Did you know that some people in this country are against bombing our enemies and some even want to shut down the production of the old boy for time eternal? Have you ever heard such infernal thinking in your life? It sounds like somebody needs a quick history lesson long on windedness and short on details.

I recall a story about the Japs and Jerrys during WWII or the Great War or the War to end all wars or the Greatest Generation War or whatever mishmash of wars you want to call it before I lose my train of thought again. This story reminds me of a conflict I see between the U S of A and the Great Satan known as the rest of the universe. It seems the Japs or Yellow Scourge, as they were known at the time, were planning on doing something to another country when Uncle Sam waved a finger called the bomb and Tokyo Rose had to get in the unemployment line known as nuclear annihilation. Jerry, or the Nazis, also had a plan to do something to the Russians and GI Joe when Allied Forces Al left a present at Dresden called bomb, bomb, bomb. So, Great Satan, don't be so sure we won't do the same for you and leave a little something on your front doorstep one fine day. That's just what this doctor ordered and I believe it's always important to follow this doctor's orders.

So the next time someone starts planning something undesirable to you or your country, simply call on our old friend, Mr. Bomb. I think you'll be pleased with the results. And remember, always remember, Watch Out!!!

The Chaos Sports Spot Investigation- Reasons to root for a particular sports team -Part 1

Big Bob Barton
Reports!!!

Another Barton
Bombshell Breaks
Our Way!!!!


Chaos Sports Spot Editor's Note:The Chaos sports team is proud to bring you this Cahill Award winning investigative report on why people root for particular sports teams. We are not exactly sure how many parts the report has because we did not have a chance to really proofread the article due to the jarring nature of this topic. If there are any typos or incorrect information, we apologize and promise to try harder next time.



Reasons to Root for a particular team: Part 1

1) You like one or more of the players on a particular team

2) You like the color or uniforms of a particular team better than any other team color/uniform

3) You happen to live closer to the stadium of that particular team

4) You grew up closest to the city of a particular team and have no choice in the matter

5) You have committed a very serious crime by betting on the outcome of a particular team, so you root for the team that will most likely improve your financial situation and help you get all your belongings out of hock.

6) You always root for the particular team that is considered the underdog and the bookie gives you the spread, the points and a chance to geographically relocate if you blow this one, last bet

7) You think sports are silly, but you root for the particular team that your boyfriend/husband likes or doesn't like depending on how big his gambling debt is and whether you have spoken to each other in the last three days

Next week: Part 2- Reasons to root for a particular sports team- The Continuation

America Speaks Out! The Chaos Question of the Week

What's bothering you, America?

Kids driving cars, lousy service at the senior center, punks talking back to nobody in general, uppity black presidents who don't know their place in society, having to meet in the middle of the dark woods with other like- minded men to engage in perverted rituals that praise the almighty power of the skull and the crossbones, and that Keith Overlord fella. Is that all? I'm kind of in a hurry. You see I've got to pick up my illegal firearm at the gun shop and gun down an abortion doctor with the unspoken endorsement of the catholic church. I tell you, Chaos, there never seems to be enough time in the day to do all the things on that honeydo list. I bet my wife sends me to the store later to pick up some things like shampoo, hair removal cream, plastic explosives, Nazi armbands and other lady items. Hope that was helpful boys. Anytime you need to talk, you just give old Jack a call,

Jack Bragstorm- Retired Minister, Fort Dodge, Kansas.

T. Turner Trump's World Of Business: Lesson 1- The Resume

< T. Turner Trump- CEO In Charge of Corporate Chaos.

You can’t always take the prom queen home , but you can have a lot of fun trying and so it goes for today’s businessman.

The Resume: Overrated. Just like most company complaint letters or Parade Magazine fan mail, most resumes are not even read before they hit the circulation file or the delete trash can. Most companies count the number of resumes they've received, then pick a number out of a hat. If they pick your number, and you have the right last name or you slept with the boss, you’ve got a job. For now. Tip for job seekers: nothing catches the eye of a prospective employer like a goofy cartoon of a drunk boss, the kind you find on bar napkins. It's a real icebreaker and funny to boot. Just ask Rick Sentanzo in Sales. And tell them you’ve worked for the FBI, CIA, and any other government agency that has three letters in its title. They'll never check and it sounds impressive, and if they check, say Sentanzo put you up to it. That guy cracks everybody up, even Old Stoneface in Human Resources. Keep it in the back of your mind that we’re not dealing with Einsteins here, we’re talking about businessmen, those guys who only got their jobs because they married the daughter of the company founder or have enough pictures of the CEO to blackmail them for the better part of a century or compromised their moral, ethical, and individual principles to go on that extra vacation to an island in the West Indies or buy that house in the gated community that keeps out riff raff and colored people.

Remember success is not an overnight guest, it’s a child that has to move back in with you due to poor decision making skills and an unhealthy appetite for self destruction, till next time, you’re only as good as your last phone sale inside the world of business

News Across America

NEWS
ACROSS









This week's news across America!!-



The far left found its sense of humor in between the cushions of an old couch it placed on the curb today. They also found George McGovern and the remnants of Ralph Nader's electability, as well as some cheese doodles and a dog-eared copy of The Worker's Pamphlet, the paper for socialists with a really short attention span.



Conservative Christians , never ones to miss an opportunity to make racist remarks, declared Wednesdays to be Whites Only Wednesdays at every place west of the Mississippi, and that includes you San Francisco. Whites Only, every Wednesday no matter how bad it looks to the rest of the world.

Donald Rumsfeld is home resting after an arduous 6 years sabotaging the war in Iraq and generally screwing up everything he came in contact with including the vast liberal conspiracy of the entire Bush Administration and Fox News. Rumsfeld said he'll take some time off to play a little golf, laugh at the misfortune of the same poor suckers who get roped into fighting the same pointless war for the same wealthy war merchants , play as much World of War as he can get in on a 24 hour basis, and start to put together the exit strategy for supporting the troops in half-hearted, insulting ways that really don't account for the humanity he has crushed with the help of his good friends Lucifer and Dick Cheney, though it's getting harder to tell those two apart the older they get. Can't wait for the book deal and the movie, Don.



Finally, Joking John Kerry is leaving politics to head up his own late night comedy show called The Late Night John on Trio. Yeah, Trio, does anyone get that network? I didn't think so. With his hilarious 2004 campaign long behind him and a penchant for physical schtick and amusing anecdotes, Kerry thought this would be the best way to help America laugh at all their troubles, and get him out of the house five days a week. Judging by the less than overwhelming response from the network and his own family, who only stated that they both agreed there has to be a better option available to the Senator, this might not be the best career decision for JK. Here's hoping Senator Kerry can do as well as Michael Dukakis did on the Michael Dukakis Dance Off- back when MTV still mattered.





Next week in News Across America!- Senators have sex with the people they married and Sarah Palin has a news conference and nobody shows up.

Condensed Chaos Presents Business Ideas That Backfired- The Frito Layoff

The first corporate sponsorship of corporate downsizing. Remember, it's not the downsizing that counts, it's how you use the downsizing. Frito Lay, makers of Fritos and Frito Go Find Another Job Right Now Day, popularized the concept with creatively bankrupt regional managers by giving away a life sized cut-out of a company hatchet man with villainous, stereotypical features of a Mexican outlaw called the Frito Chopito. The company stopped these layoffs after a group of Mexican-American workers took offense at Chopito and downsized Frito Lay Headquarters with a threatening e-mail and a cease and desist order from a lawyer named Chopito. Better luck next time, fellas.

Actual picture of Frito Chopito below.

Bamboozled- How to avoid getting the shaft

LOOK WHO WE HAVE COMING TO CHAOS KIDS CLUB!!!


Hey, kids, are you always feeling like life is unfair and you're forced to eat a whole plate of vegetables while everyone else is pigging out on ice cream, corn chips and the Fill Me Up Extra Fattie at Burger Fats? Do you get picked last for every team in gym class except the clean up the sock tub at the end of the week team? Are you always told by your dumb teacher that you "have to play fair with the other boys and girls" when the other boys and girls are just entitled little cretons who cheat, lie and manipulate their way into every possible advantage while you keep your little nose to the grindstone to please the man? If you answered yes to both questions, you may be getting the shaft. Getting the shaft means getting stuck with all the bad jobs like cleaning the chalkboard, staying in at recess to help the big, slow kid do math with an abacus, killing all the wasps in the room with an outdated red dictionary, and going to meetings with your mouth-breathing boss who is a walking billboard for never hiring your relatives for any important positions at the company. That's right, I'm talking about you, Mr. Smith. I mean your daughter wouldn't register on an IQ test, that's how far down the evolutionary ladder she fell. 10 years at American Chaos and I'm writing a kids column! Why don't you just make me find the banana and the toothbrush in the Highlights magazine drawing? At least I'd have my dignity. Sorry, kids as you can tell, Bamboozled has alot of baggage when it comes to working for the system or getting the shaft.

Here are some things you can do to avoid getting the shaft:

1) No dipping your ink in the company well. That means no inner office dating, and that includes chasing Suzie on the playground or smashing her apple juice cup for no apparent reason. Don't do it unless you want to live in a smelly hole known as regret.

2) Whenever possible pass the blame onto someone beneath you in the pecking order. That means if you get caught holding the bag with the evidence, you find the weakest link and dump it on that weakest link. This only works if you are not the weakest link, if you are the weakest link, you are SOL or simply out of luck. Listen, I don't like it any more than you do, but it's how things are done in these United States as long as bankers are getting bailed out and your mom and dad are getting mailed out an unemployment check.

3) Rise up against the powerbrokers and take them down by any means necessary, as my good friend Malcolm X told me back when they let Memphis, Detroit, and Watts burn all night long because they didn't have any whities squatting there. Powerbrokers are your parents, the teachers, the PTA, the boy scout leaders, every living soul who keeps you from being all that you can be, reaching for all the gusto in life, and walking down the street with a little more hop in your hip hop. You got to tell the powerbrokers you ain't gonna clean their room no more, you are not some slave to the dollar or the grade or the star chart in the front of the classroom. Star chart! Rip that sucker down next time you are in that class and tell the lady you done with that line of bull. Star chart! You don't need no white lady on a power trip telling you who's a good boy and who ain't. You're a man, not a boy! Never forget that.

4) Sock it to the man. The babysitter, the cafeteria lady who says you don't get that last ice cream or day old cookie, the man who keep telling you to wait because your day is gonna come. Don't you trade your mom's homemade apple peach sugar twist for another meat loaf sandwich, when the meat loaf is just pre-processed, already made, plastic tasting, never liked you in the first place, insult your mama and all your family, hand me down, no good, nasty looking olive loaf with shoe polish or food coloring added to slide it past you and get inside your body to stomp all over your digestive system and rot your brain and will power til' you ain't nothing but a shadow of your former self and hope is an echo in a canyon that you can't quite place the voice of or who would even say something like that in the first place. Sock it to the man, everyday in everyway, little man and little lady. Sock it to the man. You may not win, but at least you in the battle.

Little children, that is how you avoid getting the shaft. Next time, Bamboozled gonna talk about knowing when to leave well enough alone. That's the story in all its glory, end of chapter, end of book.

Chaossinated- This Week's Target: Sean Hannity's Career

PLEASE PLACE SEAN HANNITY CAREER IN CENTER OF TARGET SITE-

Sean Hannity- you have a target on your bumper-sized forehead that says PLEASE TAKE MY INSANE THOUGHT PROCESS OUT OF ITS' MISERY!!!!! We are serving notice to you on a bed of iceberg lettuce- nobody wants to hear you stammer on about every paranoid conspiracy you Neocon- Artists spew on Fox Newsance. The fact you are on over 100 radio stations backs up the old saying that you can fool some of the people some of the time if they have only one station that has a clear signal and a deep, disturbing regret for almost every single life choice they have made since James turned 15 and Danny Partridge turned into Danny Bonaduce. You should know ahead of time that being chaossinated in public does not involve any act of violence, unless you consider sarcasm and public ridicule the ultimate form of eviseration. You will be able to hold on to your sad, chest pumping Macho Magilla Gorilla act and we will make sure that you get a chance to disappear into the jungles of lower ladder rung media, like anything that has Dick Morris or Bernard Goldberg getting a paycheck on a regular basis. Hey, wait, you already fit that description. I don't think it gets any lower, Sean. Your 15 minutes are up, Mr. Hannity. Please hand in your ID lanyard at the door and proceed to pundit oblivion where you can join all the others. Oh, by the way, say hello to Dr. Laura on the way out.

The Indicted States Of America Salutes Illinois

Special Thanks to Miss America's Kindergarten Class for Graphics. Hope you enjoyed your field trip to the land of Chaos and that you'll come back next year!

We know that there have been 3,000 blogs using the Indicted States of America. We are also aware that every right wing wacko has jumped all over the Rod Blagojevich indictment as evidence that liberals would steal their grandmothers iron lung if it meant sticking it to the Republicans and the working white man. What we aim to do with this piece is to bring in to the spotlight some of our states that are actually part of this wonderful world of indictment. Where others may be embarassed about this trend, we at American Chaos choose to joyfully salute those that stooped so low to lift so high the banner of answering the Kennedy question of long ago, the one about blah, blah, ringing rhetoric and "... what you can do for your country!" that has somehow resulted in the response of " Anything that involves pay for play, a little of the nepotiz, and videotaped evidence that I was unaware of at the time, your honor, so help me God and anyone else who can use the winsch of federal influence to pull my ass out of this sinkhole."


Yes, Chaossins, today we salute the state of Illinois where 79 people have been indicted for various acts of corruption and where Governors may have an equal chance of ending their careers in Stateville as they would at a State School teaching Political Discourse as opposed to Political Intercourse which is a completely different edition of Indicted States Of America- The Pantsless Pols. Illinois, we commend you for re-electing morally bankrupt individuals with the misguided vision of a blind lady justice who keeps saying her boyfriend will stop drinking and get a job that doesn't involve money drops and Roland Burris denying a connection to whatever it is we're talking about in the media. We commend you for The Helmet Haired One and his Attention Starved Wife who play more like My Name is Earl than even the lowest rent Hamlet. Yes, Illinois, as your state song says, " By your rivers gently flowing Illinois, Illinois", floats the biggest craps game of George Ryans, Otto Kerners, Paul Powell shoeboxes and other state capital goodies that any of the other 49 would give their slightly sullied reputations for in an effort to just make the pay for playing field even. Illinois, you are part of this big wonderful Indicted States of America, where it isn't against the law or the higher principles of society if you don't get caught or can convince the public of a vast conspiracy that only a megalomaniac who peddles influece like Lance Armstrong peddles up hills in the Grand Prix , can conceive in their wildest, opiated dreams. Oh, sure, absolute power corrupts absolutely, says that killjoy of past history, and we will be the first to echo that sentiment, but it definitely makes talk radio worth listening to for at least the time it takes to go to the store and back and that is something we will always stand by as every bit American as apple pie, racial profiling, and passing the blame. Next week we salute- The South- The Gateway to Sexually Scandalous America!

Things That You Were Meant To Believe- On Religion

Brought to you by Religious Right Guard!

Today, boys and girls, we look at Things That You Were Meant To Believe About Religion!

All of our information is courtesy of our friends over at the Religious Right, makers of the sponsor for today, Religious Right Guard. Religious Right Guard, when you need protection from world opinions and open minded christianity, use the only anti-perspirant that keeps you cool and collected when all around you are sweating bullets over the latest sign of end times like minorities getting human rights.

Did you know that God hates jews, or that jews killed Jesus, or that it isn't very Christian to criticize the President unless he's a black man and depraved socialist to boot? Did you also know that the War in Iraq, James Dobson, The Catholic Church and white men, in general, are beyond criticism if you really believe in God or at least the God who never knew their was a new testament or a son named Jesus?

Religion is important because it makes people see that whatever they say or think about the rest of the world, who let's face it don't look like us, is okay in Gods' eyes. Just ask our Religious Right leaders like Pat Robertson, Ralph Reed, and everyone over at the Moral Majority.

So, boys and girls, keep these things in mind when discussing religion according to those in the know over at the Religious Right - Same Sex Marriages will destroy everything we've worked so hard to build like an all white male power structure and high divorce rates.

You should believe these things about religion and then you'll know that special feeling inside that says you're completely in the dark and glad for it too!

Dr. Joe McCratty- Sarah Palin and Mark Sanford are nice kids

This is Doctor Joe McCratty from the Institute of Things You Should Know About.

Did you know that there are forces in this word, including the very pages this missive is printed on, that are out to spread malicious rumours about Sarah Palin and Mark Sanford?

Sarah Palin and Mark Sanford are nice kids who are trying to be the best governors that their states elected without so much as a second thought or the slightest clue about who they were or what consequences their fine, upstanding actions as governors would lead to in this year of which I am still unclear of the number.

Sarah Palin brought jobs to ruffians and ne'er do wells who otherwise would be running around our nation stealing mailboxes and knocking off elections with baseball bats. What is her payment for this? She is forever cursed with mealymouthed media making up stories that she's doing this or that or resigning her office before her term is up to pursue nothing in particular. Why I have a mind to wash their mouths out with calves liver oil and goose soap. This woman is not only a harbinger of things to come for girls who wear glasses and don't accept passes from lads who eye lasses who aren't in their classes, she is also a mother and wife and can see Russia from her house. The last time I checked , Joe Stalin was about an inch away from sailing over to America and taking Alaska hostage and I like my oil prices low and my seal meat boiled.

Mark Sanford likes sex we're told and who doesn't, as long as it's with your wife and done with one foot on the ground the way the Hayes Laws in Hollywood tell us, just ask that starlette, Rita Hayworth. The pack of rats known as journalists in America are all hot and bothered that he took money from his taxpayers to go to Argentina to see another journalist. Professional jealousy will tear this country apart I mean to tell you and who will pay for it all? Joe Q Public and Joe McCratty, that's who, and the last time I checked my mattress there wasn't alot of George Washingtons available for early withdrawal. Mark Sanford is only a man living in a state that is unaware of it's own surroundings and I say more power to the blissfully unaware voter who lets the people in the know like Mr. Sanford run the show. Imagine what would happen if Mr. Sanford showed up to work as the governor and Marty Middle Class was the new top cop in North Carolina? I deign to say it only leads to same sex marriages and balanced budgets put together by Stalinists.

So, leave these youngsters alone and let time take its toll and charge the 40 cents necessary for passing along the road of life.

And,remember, always remember, Watch Out!

Fingerpointing with Ted Tugnutz, Angry American

I'm pointing at you America, the guy at Starbucks with the snobby look on his face who thinks he's better than me because he got a college degree from some university where they teach far out commie ideas like evolution, unionizing in history, Michael Moore is a fatso who makes up lies about Fox News and our former president, and that global warming is happening as I write this column. I'm pointing at you America, the lady who jogs by the lakefront and practices unchristian beliefs like some new age idea that Buddha or whatever that golden slob statue is called, can help you find peace by meditating or being quiet and letting time pass while this lady focuses her breath and thoughts on peaceful ideas like Obama Bin Laden in the white house with his rich wife and their rich kids and their rich dog. I'm dedicating this fingerpointing issue to all the fingerpointers out there who really know how to violate physical space and get that index finger in the puss of every bleeding heart liberal that walks this fine land of ours. Bill O' Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Hank "Hate Your Guts" Henderson, who watches the borderline in Texas just waiting to shoot one of them dirty foreigners like the minutemen who made this great nation of ours, those men who stand as a beacon for intolerance, and of course every teabagging Tugnutz supporter who reads this fine column of mine. I'm pointing my finger at you America, and you won't like it when my stubby finger is in your unpatriotic face. Now, I have to get back to mall security before my boss, Mr. Dingledink, sees me blowing off vital employer time on this computer and gives me a good tongue lashing, but tongue lashing is another column by another right wing friend of mine.

Chaos responds to Little Timmy

Boy, Little Timmy, sounds like you've been railroaded by the good people at the United States Of America Military Complex. See these people give your Daddy a job that doesn't have an end to it. That's called an exit strategy and President Bush just kind of forgot to include one, the way you sometimes forget to include your homework and say the dog ate it. President Bush's dog ate it, his wife spilled coffee all over it, he forgot it at the diner last night, Mean Mr. Cheney burned a giant hole in it with his monster devil vision, Mr. Rumsfeld couldn't be bothered with the poor saps who volunteered to fight for all the rich jerks who you might as well learn at your young age are going to find a million ways to hold you down and perpetuate the vicious cycle known as class warfare. Wait, I need to breathe, like my yoga instructor insists or I go into a foaming socialist diatribe and that only ends in common sense solutions and Chaos sitting alone in a dark city apartment cluttered with regret and dog-eared manifestos from the Cuban Revolution. I'm glad to hear from you Little Timmy and can tell you that your mom is right, girls are pretty cool and you will like them later in life. As for helping your Dad out, we recommend starting a lemonade stand and raising enough dinero to fund your own activist movement that can take the streets by surprise with the always winning combination of childhood innocence, (and that's evident in your picture, you little son of a shooting gun), and revolutionary rhetoric backed up with just enough homemade explosives to make them respect the masses and their numbers. If that doesn't work, write or call your local senator or congressman and take part in the wonderful world of democracy. That's all we can tell you little feller,

Your big, expansive pal,

American Chaos

A Letter from Little Timmy

Dear Chaos,

I am in the 3rd grade at Lincoln Washington Elementary School in Jeffersonburg, Iowa. I like things that fight things and that one funny show on the kids network. My best friend since I was in pre-school at Drive-in Drop off Day Care Center is Mike Shandles. He has a game playing system that is a blast and his Dad can make his tattoos dance after he drinks some smelly beer. I hate girls because their icky and they have cooties or some other disgusting thing that makes them scream in groups and ruin every game that the boys play at recess. My mom says I'll change my mind when I'm older, but I hope she's wrong because the only girl that is cool and I would want to marry is Miss Smudge, my teacher in second grade who let us play with guns and laughed when we made a sound like a fart. I am writing you because my dad is in the war in Iraq and I want him to come back and be with me all the time again. He can beat up all the other dads and he is smarter than all Presidents. He said he completed his job and they made him do another. How come he is doing another job? When I am done with my jobs at home I get to play with my friends and make fun of my 5 year old sister Jenny and the way she can't say the word car without it sounding like cow. I was hoping you could talk to the President about getting my dad home soon since you are the whole country according to your picture. My friend Mike and me might even get the kids together to send a letter to the President telling him that we are mad about this and probably will not like him anymore if my dad doesn't come home by the time I start third grade. Can you tell us what to do about this?,

Your friend and fan,

Little Timmy Templeman

PS: Here is a picture of me so you will know that I am being for real