2010 MIDTERM ELECTION WINNERS AND LOSERS

MOST EXCITING AWARDS SHOW YET!!!! MIKE HUCKABEE SIGHTING GREATLY EXAGGERATED AFTER ALL!!!! BIG FOOT GETS JOB ON RAND PAUL SECURITY TEAM!!!

Here are your winners for the Midterm Election Awards:

MOST LIKELY TO KICK SOMEBODY TO CURB AND IN SIDE OF HEAD-

Rand Paul Security Detail- Guess you need to be a keyholder to get into this Tea Party.

MOST LIKELY TO END CAREER IN A CHURCH BASEMENT INTRODUCING HIMSELF TO A GROUP OF STRANGERS WITH "MY NAME IS..... AND I'M A.....-

John Boehner- The liquid eyed, oompa loompa- looking leader of the house. Pass the coppertone, oh wait, you already have a copper tone.

MOST LIKELY TO END UP AS SARAH PALIN RUNNING MATE IN 2012-

Michelle Bachman- Proved that one hundred mile vacant stares were all the rage in campaign stops for Tea Partiers and could easily see own grandeur from her back porch. Plus dumb white guys think she's hot.

Here are your losers for the midterms-

MOST LIKELY TO REGRET EVERY DECISION FROM THIS POINT FORWARD-

Satan- Way to go Luke, you thought signing contract with Dick Army and Tea Party was a good idea at the time, now your stuck in a pit of fire with these crackers for time immemorial.

MOST LIKELY TO CHOOSE DIFFERENT CAREER PATH AFTER BUTT-KICKING-

All democratic losers- And you thought your party cared about you. Time to start third party progressive group that will destroy all hopes of a democratic controlled house, senate and presidency for the next 20 years. It worked for Ralph Nader and others who I can't recall at the time because they joined the Where Are They Now Club soon after third party embarrassments.

MOST LIKELY TO BE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT THEIR SELF -ABLSORBED FACEBOOK STATUS THAN THE FORWARD PROGRESS OF THE NATION-

The youth vote- Guess you forgot to set your alarm clocks for the hour of accountability on election day. Oh, well, at least you can point to the irony of it all and snarkily comment on it to all of your fast fading friends.

American Chaos Salutes all the companies who sell products made in the far east!!!

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE WHO'S MAKING MONEY, IS MAKING IT WITH FAR EAST FACTORY SWEAT SHOP PRODUCTS!!!

Good old American Know How just took a non-stop flight over the ocean to China and Japan to see what kind of clothing, toys, furniture, automobiles, technology, kitchen accessories, and every other product used by the American Consumer is in shape to be sold at Target, Walmart, Sears, Verizon, Old Navy, Gap, and other popular shopping stops. One executive was so impressed, he promised to line the pockets of Senators and Congressmen who were running for office under the dishonest policy of helping the working man of America by hiring the working children of China. Sweat shops, as they are referred to by communist, socialist, child-molesting, pro-abortion, gay loving, animal sex enthusiast liberals , are wonderful places where entire villages are constructed complete with nets for anyone who accidently falls out of a fourth floor factory worker apartment building window, poor ventilation systems created by chinese children, and American business stamps of approval on all products made with lead, toxic chemicals and other items kids just can't seem to keep their hands off of in the far east, especially if they work 14 hour shifts.

So, congratulations, USA! You're keeping the cogs of industrial progress humming like a tone-deaf elementary music teacher in Kansas. Now, take your shoes off before re-entering the world of libel and character assassination known as mid term elections. And remember, you can't afford those Asian hookers without selling some of those Asian shoes made by the fresh-faced youth and future of Asia and World Economics. Sleep tight.

BECKATHON TURNS TO CRACKERFEST 2010!!!

FOX NEWS IDIOT RALLIES RACISTS AND PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO DRESS AS UNCLE SAM!!!

Glenn Beck held a rally in the capitol of the nation today to celebrate all things Glenn Beck. He declared that he was the only person who could continue the civil rights movement that MLK started at the same spot in the 1960's. He then asked all black people to go to the end of the line of people buying all kinds of crap with Mr. Beck's name and likeness on it in a self promoting scam that only PT Barnum or KISS could pull off. Sean Hannity, rubbed his enormous forehead and wondered aloud how such a boob could beat him in the ratings game. Bill 'O' Reilly wore a cheap disguise and taunted Mr. Beck from the stage with a megaphone and heckling standards like "Keep your day job", "When am I supposed to laugh?" and " You're on the no-spin zone".

Thousands of white people dressed up as Uncle Sam, Betsy Ross and other cracker icons who no longer hold the interest of anyone under the age of 30. Some crackers called the president a muslim, carried signs depicting him as Hitler, and generally carried on like the Civil War never happened, the Civil Rights Bill never passed, and each one of them dropped out of high school and life before they had to take their American History and Constitution class requirements. The Birthers showed up in the Birthmobile, made up of flimsy evidence and old parts from Edsels, K-cars, and American Know How. Beck allowed people to attend the rally for free, but all participants had to buy Beck merchandise if they wanted to leave the event. Oh, and there were some teabaggers who attended who had never read Common Sense by Thomas Payne because they couldn't find the time and had other intellectually imposing tomes on their recently foreclosed night stands like Ann Coulter's " Liberals Ruined My Uterus", and Sarah Palin's "Maverickin Your Butt".

Dr. Joe McCratty: Don't Say You Weren't Warned About The British!

DR. JOE SEES THRU BRITISH AND THEIR PETROLEUM RUSE!!!!

This is Dr. Joe McCraddy, from The Institute of Things You Should Know.

Did you know that the British don't know the first thing about petroleum, haven't any interest in it at the moment, and may very well be yanking your chain when it comes to the future of petro?

Information has crossed this desk that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that our friends across the pond are not the Great Brits they claim to be, when it comes to dealing with both crude and civil-tongued oil products. Some may even say they are not even Okay Brits.

A document sent to us by someone in the inner circles of Number 10 Downing Street indicates that poor dental care, yorkshire pudding, and those subversives known as the Beatles are simply a ploy to keep Americans looking at the one hand, while the other plants ideas in the heads of children to simply give back the USA to Britain and let bygones be bygones.

I point you to that ringing bell of reason, Paul Revere, who warned you that the British were coming, and you all ignored him, choosing to let it get so out of control, that these teasippers are now poised to ruin our entire gulf coast with their inferior oil product and simple minded leadership that is always led by some Washrag named Tony.

When it comes to petroleum, let America do what it does best. Let us beg, borrow and steal to cleanse our sullied reputations and drill where no man has drilled before. I am fairly sure none of us wants to be stuck driving to work in a car powered by British petroleum, when it can be powered by American know how and good, old gasoline - the kind my mother used to use to clean out our ears.

So, don't fall for all this British petroleum bunk, they aren't anymore interested in making energy out of oil than we are at watching sissies in shorts kick a ball into a net big enough to cover Rhode Island.

And Remember, always remember,

Watch Out!

Memorial Day- A tribute to those who served and didn't come back

MEMORIAL DAY 2010- When will we ever learn

They say that we are doomed to repeat the past when we don't pay close enough attention to the lessons that it teaches all of us. Sure, we will lay wreaths and flowers at the graves of those who we romantically connect to the heroism of service to our nation. We will have veterans and politicians speak through screachy monitors about the good life that is surrendered so others don't have to surrender one moment of their lives for others. And there will be parades down our suburban streets led by troops who have returned home to a world that must seem stranger than the one they left years ago. We will grill, go to the beach, watch blockbuster summer epics about Iron men and Robin Hoods who know more about tea parties than any of these fat white guys who diet on vitriol and bitterness on Fox every night. We will carry a heavy place in our hearts for those who never got to realize their youthful dreams because they did not reside at the proper address of social economics and higher education. Both parties will exploit this day to sell their wares to any and all comers, like the wild west snakeoil pushers of long ago. The sun will come up tomorrow and there will be veterans at our hospitals who may not be covered by health care, can't get proper treatment for PTS or night terrors, or came back to jobs that are no longer available to them because time just went on without them and nobody was asked to sacrifice in a manner to feel what they feel. We will wave flags and drive our bumper sticker-laden cars to whereever it is we need to go to pay the bills and forget. Perfectly healthy individuals will bray about "supporting the troops!", but will be nowhere to be seen when their asked to volunteer to serve. Nothing will take a toll on one soul tomorrow that will demonstrate that we have learned anything from this day and the hurt it will forever represent to some families who won't see their child reach their ultimate potential. That is a truly sad comment on who we are becoming in the year 2010 and a clarion call to make our time together matter in ways that red and blue colored maps will never understand.

Tim's Tirade- Vampires Suck!!

Dennis Miller ranted, Jay Leno had his beef, Keith Olbermann added his special comments, and now the unique voice of Tim Thomas has his own place for tangents in his very first column- Tim's Tirade!! (Picture at left of actual tirade office).

Tim's Tirade-Vampires suck!!!

Vampires suck! Not just blood, they suck the life out of every creative avenue that the permit driving puberty population of American turns down, as long as they are accompanied by an approved adult who approves of their zombie like spending on the type of books, films, TV shows, websites, and merchandise that help keep the eternally youthful Count in his castle in Transylvania or the cast of Twilight in the spotlight for the duration of their 15 minutes of fame.

Vampires suck! Way to go Van Helsing- didn't have the heart to drive that spike through the heart of Dracula, had to let him off easy so he could cash out at the blood bank of recycled ideas and long dead concepts known as Hollywood originality- Softie. Buffy didn't slay enough neck-biters to keep wooden acting, leaden dialogue and tweenmo girls from growing up to become one stop shoppers at the not-so-sweet retreat- the DQ- Drama Queen. Next time you want to kill vampires, send an Army of Darkness who know where They Live and won't be afraid to send someone who "came to kick ass and chew bubble gum" and find themselves woefully lacking in bubblegum at the moment.

Vampires suck! The way Stephanie Meyers' writing sucks- slow painful draws of blood from the reader life line- cursed to live in a hypnotic haze under the manipulative power of media market studies, social networking faux friendships or fauxships, and goose-stepping to shoe or boot- gazing emocrud, the musical dronings of MGMT or some other overrated band that wouldn't get a recording contract if we actually weeded out the good, the bad and the downright ugly like Darwin and Duke Ellington envisioned this all going down some day, before the Taylor Swiftian world of American Idol and indie-school poseurs opened the doors of perception and let everybody with a neck beard, a voice unable to attain a whisper or a scream, and a Philosophy 101 C grade grasp of the world in for an open house tour of the zietgeist, now with 50% less zeit, absolutely zero geist, and artificially sweetened pretensions.

Vampires suck! Listen, I'm not against the occassional vampire living in the neighborhood of pop culture as long as they have an ankle bracelet and register with the local authorities on a predatory night creeps list, I'm just stating the obvious- the VQ or vampire quota has been met, introduced, and allowed to mingle at the overinvited modern influence party until it has gone from witty wonder who entertains the easily entertained, to overindulged house pest who can't pick up social cues like an Asperger kid with Vitamin B deficiency and an act that was retired and old before it debuted at the work place water cooler last Wednesday.

Vampires suck!! If you're over 14 years old and you still care about what these McDreamsickles Turned McNightmares of Ice Cream Chilled Soullessness write in their ghost written Vampire Diaries, your development has been arrested, taken into custody, provided legal counsel, and held without bail to await a trial of your brain dead peers, texting and tweeting their True Blood thoughts to one another like anyone cares or has the time of day to waste on such trivial pursuits.

Vampires suck! When's the last time you can remember a vampire giving back to society what they so selfishly took in the first place- our blood relation to the world of real life where we are free to ride the Wall of Death when we want and not when Count Floyd decides? Please find the Lost Boys before they become the lost generation living on the Lost island of misfit boys, and tell them it isn't cute or rebellious to insist on never growing up and having orgies in the age of horrendous social diseases, diseases like their very existance in the first place. See who's lurking in the Dark Shadows of Nostalgia, ready to pounce on the first signs of a bandwagon rolling through town, and whatever you do, don't send and Invitation to a Vampire for any social get together- There's a reason these poorly coiffed, coffin dwelling dweebs don't see the light of day- They take the Last Train to Dullsville, and I, for one, refuse to board that train.

TEA BAGGERS ARE PEOPLE TOO!

Tea Baggers, those pasty-skinned white people with the poorly made protest signs of President Obama wearing a Hitler mustache, are people too! Whether misspelling racial epithets, making colonial hats out of construction paper or simply attending a Lil' Wayne concert, Tea Baggers are people too! Tea Baggers love making wildly innacurate claims about the government, hanging on every word that falls out of the mouths of Fox news anchors, bumping uglies, rolling through the hood dropping 40 ouncers, and bringing the bling on the grill and the rings. So the next time you are quick to stereotype our friend the Tea Bagger, remember Tea Baggers are people too!

The Fried Truth: Hey, America, Nobody Cares About Your Life!

THE FRIED TRUTH REVEALS HIDEOUS SECRETS ABOUT REAL LACK OF INTEREST IN AMERICAN LIVES!!!!!

The Fried Truth continues to roll the news of the day in a pancake batter of honesty and integrity, dip it in a bubbling grease pit of media scrutiny and spin control, and wash it all down with a tall glass of liquid determination topped off with a mint sprig of public outrage.

According to sources high up in the world of social networking and public interactions, the amount of people who truly care about your life is lower than you ever could have conceived in your wildest dreams. The Peak Trend Social Actions Institute reports that not one individual registered in the category "Cares In The Slightest" when asked about your mundane existance, 5 sent back the survey with malicious threats of legal action if contacted again about the idea of "Giving a Rats'Ass About Any of This" and negative numbers were reported for every other part about your life that was on the survey including "Your kids and family and any other boring details about what you bought at Starbucks". Data compiled by the Arbitrary Thoughts Organization was even less supportive, revealing a shocking lack of interest in anything you have to add to life in general with large, round zeroes filling up the number totals in every measureable area including "Interest in Dumb Viral Videos You Found Funny" and the catch-all category of "Things You Actually Think I Would Waste My Valuable Time On At Any Moment of My Life".

That last one is a pretty exhaustive study as you can tell by the length of the topic.

The researchers are hoping that, armed with this new information and an actual social life, Americans will refrain from texting, tweeting, facebooking, myspacing, and interfacing with other Americans and get back to actually doing something productive with their lives.

Fat Chance! says the cultural cluelessness of the good, old U S A! And the Fried Truth seconds that outcry of social ineptitude. What would this country be without a tweeted update about baby bathroom routines, texted teen apathy about the enui of learning anything, or facebook pages of so-called friends you've never met, will never meet, and probably don't want to meet, unless conjugal visits are on the top of your social to do list?

If you have any breaking information on this burning issue, please keep it to yourself, because in the world of The Fried Truth, there are always bigger fish to fry.

US OLYMPIC TEAM RUNS OUT OF FLAGS TO WRAP SELVES IN!!!!

Uses hand colored sheets and crappily constructed kids banners instead!

An embarrassed US Olympic team may have some of their medals taken back after the IOC was informed of a little known rule that states that "American victories must be celebrated by the actual act of the victor wrapping themselves in the flag of the United States and cavorting in a public arena". The United States delegation is under surveillance for the final events of the 21st Winter Olympiad to make sure this rule is followed to the letter by all members.

"Wow, that is a steam- stoking curve out bitch!" said one of the Halfpipe Double Aerial Skeleton Team captains when notified of the news.

"The IOC takes American flag wrapping very seriously. We will look into the matter and make a decision that is informed by both knowledge and politics. Was that too confrontational?" said Oobie Newshitlicker of the tiny kingdom of Shudnick.

Thankfully, the quick thinking Americans had an ongoing internet project with Miss Stepford's fifth grade class and were immediately supplied with reams of butcher paper banners with misspelled words and art work best left to refrigerators and family secrets. Well, beggars can't be choosers and the show must go on. Sorry, American Bobsled team for the Hefty bag with the upside down American flag on the back. It's not a reflection on you and I'm sure it won't effect your ability to get all kinds of endorsement deals with, you know, things Bobsled medalists get endorsements for, none of which I can list at the moment.

The Indicted States of America: Illinois keeps our hopes up!!!!

Miss America's Kindergarten Class comes up with winning graphic- again!!!

Thanks kids, it sure is nice to see you all taking an interest in your country, even though it looks suspiciously like the last graphic for the Indicted States. Oh, well, it's all for a good cause, isn't it?

We believe that the following parodies sent to us by some of the kids in Miss America's class show that these boys and girls are really up on their Chaos and have the reading and vocabulary skills of intelligent college students. Hope you still have time to play guns and dolls and wipe your little snot infested noses on the sleeves of unsuspecting adults.

Tommy Peterson, 5- I think my Dad and I are writing a song about the republican governor race to the tune of The Brady Bunch theme song. It's funny, but if I tell you the lyrics, my dad says you will steal the bit.

Wow, that's truly heart-breaking. When did it get to this place? You make a song up on the playground and it's a hit on the school bus. Now Dumb Dad has to drain all the fun out of the process by bringing up the words Intellectual Property. How anti-american.

Janie Simpkins, 6- My mom and I wrote a song for Governor Quinn to the tune of Bob Dylan's Quinn the Eskimoe. Bob Dylan is a jew, but that doesn't mean he is bad or anything. My mom says Jews are good people who own businesses, go to school, and shouldn't be allowed to dictate our Middle East policy. I didn't really want to write the song, but my mom insists that I do it so I can get into this really rich Jewish prep school on the North Shore. I have to go pretend I'm a PC for my Dad now or it's no playing with my friend Tracy today.

Not you too, Janie. You were such a sweet kid. Helicopter parenting should never be mixed with anti-semitism. Just look at what it did to the Bin Laden kids.

Scott Paulson, 6- I wrote a joke about the Lieutenant Governor elect Jake Plummer. It would be a movie about a guy and a girl who is a plummer and how this guy spends 500 days with this plummer. My dad loved it. He didn't vote for Jake Plummer. I've got to get back to texting guns to my friend Todd.

That's more like it, Scott. Boys should be texting guns. We get the concept of the joke, Scott. It needs alot of work, but it has potential.

Suzie McKenna, 5- I came up with a parody of the Nicolas Cage movie Bad Lieutenant - Port of Call- New Orleans. My poster would be of Springfield and it would have a picture of Scott Cohen, the Democratic Lieutenant Governor elect and it would say Bad Lieutenant Governor- Port of Call Springfield. I promise you, Andy McKenna is not my dad.

Sure, Suzie. It's got your braindead dad all over it. Come clean or we'll send a bunch of tea baggers to your house with poorly spelled picket signs and blatantly racist pictures of Scottish Americans dressed like the Joker in the Dark Knight. Now, go play with your PC, you little dickens.

So that's our Indicted States of America update from Miss America's class. Keep up the good work kids!!!

Howard Zinn leaves us with knowledge and inspiration, but little else

People's History of The United States Forgets History of County in New Mexico!!!

Howard Zinn died last week at the age of 87. He wrote, in one last piece in The Nation, that the lack of true courage in our President was dangerous to this country. He fought for progressive visionaries all the way up to the end. His vast knowledge of labor unrest, military duplicity, and small voices rising up from the noise pollution of public debate was stunning. Unfortunately, we at American Chaos were hard pressed to come up with anything else that Mr. Zinn did with his almost 9 decades on this earth. Like, for instance, he never invented anything , did he ever meet a celebrity, make a wall hanging out of maze, win a championship for the local sports team, or bask in the afterglow of a job well-done? It seems like the answers are all a resounding NO!!!. Sad to think that this man also was credited with writing the People's History of The United States and didn't even account for a county in New Mexico called Juevingarms (pronounced Waving Arms) where the first known soda was sipped out of a can and folks walked off their jobs one day because they set their watches and clocks to the wrong time . What might have been and what was, these will be the lasting memories of Mr. Zinn.

Salinger was a gladhanding, insufferable boob!

Unimpressed Everett Colson lived next door to Catcher In The Rye Legend




Everett Colson lived next door to supposed recluse J.D. Salinger for the better part of 40 years and had nothing but bad things to say about the literary legend.


"You couldn't read the paper in peace,without old urine breath stopping by to brag about his dumb kids playing a log in a school play or saying something that wasn't even worth remembering in the first place. What an asshole."


Mr. Colson, who owned Colson's Drawer Pulls and Insignificancies in neighboring Harbor Hole, said his recollections were hindered by "years of torturous social interactions forced upon me by that gladhanding, insufferable boob! His ham-fisted hand print is still embedded in my back to this day. You wouldn't know a good cosmetic surgeon, would you?"



When pressed to show us hard evidence of these details, Mr. Colson immediately brought out a shoe box full of Christmas cards and told us to "feel free to dig through and see if you can find the annual Salinger Family Card. Who cares about your latest promotion to Vice President of Diddely Squat, your wife playing tennis with Sharon Davidson, or a secret closet safe full of the rantings of a madman? I mean give me a break already. Get your drawer pull and get out."


Mr. Colson also reported the regular rude indignities of Salinger walking his mange-infested mutts and leaving behind enough doggie piles to start a fecal mattered tribute to the Green Mountain range.




"Yeah, he was a real recluse, if by that you mean a real wreck to let loose on society or any body that just asks for a few minutes of peace without Captain Windbag going on and on and on about anything that blows through that deserted factory of a brain. Good riddance, now I can have my morning coffee without trembling in fear that Sir Socially Retarded won't bother me about the weather or the local high school elections."

You can fool some of the people some of the time

And the rest don't put up much of fight!

American Chaos takes time out of our busy day for a moment of silence. Pause. That moment of silence is for the end of common sense, that valiant ideal posed by Thomas Payne and later passed over for a daily life lesson promotion time after time after time, and any sense of dignity or progressive thought. The link tells the rest. Have a nice day and keep looking up to the stars!

TV News

Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck (Fox News)
More Top Stories

Poll: Fox Most Trusted Name in News, Beck Tops O’Reilly
by James Sims Jan 27th, 2010 10:19 AM Comments 174
A new poll ranks Glenn Beck as the top personality on Fox News, but don’t expect Bill O’Reilly to congratulate his network cohort — word is O’Reilly flipped out after discovering he wasn’t No. 1.
Beck came in No. 2 in a Harris Interactive poll, just under Oprah, which asked who people’s favorite TV personality is. O’Reilly was listed at No. 10.
“Beck capturing on the Harris poll has caused some angst amongst O’Reilly’s camp,” an insider told the Huffington Post.
As for Fox News, another poll found that the conservative network is “the only outfit trusted by more people than distrust it,” reports Time.com.
“Angst” or not, O’Reilly and Beck are putting their differences aside as they appear together around the country on the Bold Fresh Tour, billed as providing the truth, “straight up, whether you like it nor not.”
More on These Topics: Bill O'Reilly fox news Glenn Beck Top
COMMENTS174

World goes to hell in handbasket and nobody cares!!!!

"Must be work of angry God", says crazy TV preacher!!

John Simington of the Resource Center for Inexact Sciences and Debatable Data has released a statement that world events have gone beyond the highway to hell, detoured around the road to hell paved with good intentions, and headed straight to hell in a handbasket, thereby superceding any need for any alarm system of Hell's Bells that may have the effect of waking anybody up from their Vogue magazine reading stupor. Mr. Simington, (pictured at left), went beyond all levels of feigning when it came to the world of surprise, in stating-"Just look at this place, it's a hell hole. And the worst part of it all is that nobody cares". Nobody was available to comment for the entire world and it's apathy.

American Chaos Loves New Year!!!

New Attitude Does The Trick!!! Just look at 2010!!

It's a cutie!!!

The staff at American Chaos is heralding in the new year instead of welcoming it due to extensive research on heralding and welcoming that indicates the general public prefers heralding over welcoming by an overwhelming 5 to 1 majority. We have to admit it has changed our view of the little tike known as Baby New Year. With a new mandatory health care insurance package, the announcement that certain members of Congress will not run for re-election, and a new season of Lost and 24 , we are positively smitten with 2010. Maybe it's puppy love or a result of using old heart medications, but we can't say enough about the hope, humble nature, and big heartedness of this new year. If you feel differently you're just not paying attention to all the good news coming our way and you're probably a Gloomy Gus who sees dark clouds on the sunniest day. We used to be like that at AC. Not anymore. We read a Joel Osteen book and realized we were heading down a road to nowhere fast if we didn't slam on the breaks and get a front end allignment done on our forward thinking. And you know what? So far it's worked wonders around the office. People say Please and Thank You even when they're not asked to, and nobody has called in sick when they are obviously just going to go to a ball game or sleep off a bad hangover. 2010 , you're the best thing that ever happened to this non-existant humor blog. Want to go see a movie tomorrow?