Things That You Were Meant To Believe- On Health Care

Things That You Were Meant To Believe - On Health Care, is brought to you today by the fine people at the Health Insurance Lobbyists of America, lending a freshly scrubbed hand to health issues since time and medical ethics first met each other at that seedy bar in SoHo.


Did you know that you're supposed to believe that the government assisted public option for health care will lead to death panels, socialist parties like the Nazis in World War 2 Germany, Gramma and Grampa walking the Green Mile to certain execution, the end of freedoms in America and other thoughts better left to the wild imaginations of schizophrenics, agoraphobic gamers, Tarentino film geeks, and Fox News programming suits? You should believe that all federal programs are the work of a diabolical plot to subvert your liberties so that illegal aliens, prisoners, and your entire family tree dating back 5 generations can take your lousy job away from you and make you pay even more communist taxes so that you can't see your doctor to get the help you need once he finds out what ailment has haunted you for the last 6 months. The same ailment that could have easily been avoided had the hypocrite who took the Hippocratic Oath actually looked into helping you with preventative measures years ago. But we're picking nits from a tree full of nitwits. You should also believe that some sort of George Romero Scenario is about to be set loose in our midst in which we will all eat each other flesh for flesh, pound for pound, if this socialist conspiracy reaches the final goal of complete and utter obliteration. Yep, that last one is guaranteed, just ask the fat, mullet headed idiot at the latest Town Hell Meeting sponsored by the Republican Party, further sponsored by the AMA, the Health Insurance Industry, and anybody else who stands to lose one hell of alot of undeserved donero if the general public gets an option on health care.



That's right, sport. Keep thinking that the federal government has done nothing but fail, by going back to privately funded roadways or ending that horrid Medicare program so you can say goodbye to Mom and Dad three years earlier than your dumb ass planned in the first place. If you believe these things about health care, you'll stay in the dark where you'll never be asked to use common sense again. You'll be fat, dumb, and happy to provide no opposition to Private Health Care Companies and they'll be financially fat and happy to take your money over and over again, so help you God.

Signs ahead

NEW CHAOS FEATURE FOR ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS!!!

Signs Ahead- Our slightly wobbly look at things to come at American Chaos.






Here's a rundown on what's coming up in the next few weeks:

• The Obama Administration pisses off someone and lives to tell about it.


• Town Hall Meetings turn out to be staged, just like professional wrestling.


• Kids return to school only to find that their teachers have been replaced by really cool video screens that play games everyday, none of which improve their low IQ's.


• Staycations become Stayawaycations as more people are forced out of work and into the living hell that is their home job search.


• Someone praises a corporation for not laying off people and drastically cutting salaries of everyone , except for the CEOs and President who, of course, still make an obsene amount of money and continue to cheat the working man. Marx is right. The working man is a fool.

That's all for signs ahead for the next month, keep coming to Chaosland for all your updates.

The Fried Truth-Part 3- America, You've Really Let Yourself Go!

The Fried Truth continues to cook up the pot of marinaded media spin, fry-lined frankness, and greasy- spooned gravitas , so that we can serve you the finest in short-ordered common sense cuisine.



The Fried Truth today needs to tell you something that should be apparent, but needs to be flown across every sky from sea to shining sea-


America, You've really let yourself go!

This is not Kirstie Alley let yourself go or reunited Jane's Addiction let yourself go. This is What Not To Wear, Think, Say, or Do, let yourself go.


What's happened to you and what are you thinking, America ? Do you really need to saunter around the summer fest circuit with all of your assets, emphasis on ass, hanging out like bored adolescents at a mall food court? The seven wonders of the world do not cover the seven, sweaty rolls of saturated fat that only serve to further the argument that inactive teens and McDonald's really need a trial separation. But don't worry, this latest fat fad of letting it all tumble out to celebrate the Rubinesque attributes of a nation who just can't pass up the Super-sized order of gluttony at The Lucky if You Get Old Country Buffet is not limited to pulchritudinous pork-outs at the All Your Vital Signs are High School. Every age category is under a false sense of self image by letting everyone with passable vision see the car wreck that the supposed good life of the 1990s and early 21st Century has wrought. Hey, 60 year old hippies who think the bikini is a good fit still: It isn't. You are no longer 25, and Woodstock is a long, gone acid trip with bad sound and more lost memories than the premise to The Hangover. As for you drunk in public roofers: sun-burned shirtlessness and gin-blossomed noses that would make W.C. Fields jealous are not the look you should be going for unless there is a pre-eminent meeting with local authorities that involves a stun gun and thorazine.


America, you have really let yourself go!


Listen, I could be in much better shape, but I'm an entire country and I think you can see why I need cooperation in this effort. I don't expect beach bods or Stepford- like robotic sameness. I'm just appealing to your good side, which , I hate to tell you, I have not noticed lately since the unappealing side has been so prominently featured. Two words- cover up! Please. The same goes for your intellectual flabbiness.

The health care town hall meetings have just underscored the adjective "ugly" in the term "ugly american" that tends to be the way many still see us on the world stage. People with the IQ of Banjo Boy in Deliverance are allowed to parade the most cretinous thoughts since the Salem Witch Trials on every basic cable news channel desperate for viewers just like you and the NRA, Flag-pinned minuteman who doesn't like to read between the lines of anything , especially historically accurate textbooks, unless it includes reading between the lines of his middle finger and the cold dead remaining fingers of his trigger-happy hand. America, listen to yourself. Nazi Germany? You wish you could be promoted to Inglourious in the world of Bastardom. You really want to make that correlation between Hitler and Health Care? Thom Friedman told us that the World is Flat and I don't think he was talking about your brain activity. Leave the Nazi comments to Mel Brooks movies where they have the proper context and are at least loaded with irony and hilarity. You're following the megaphone-volumed squeak of the Limbaughs, Becks, and Savages who look at you and see dollar signs, new sports cars, McMansions, and little else. You follow the logic of Joe The Plumber and the kind of logic that has more cracks in it than a plumbing convention. They don't see the consequences of irresponsible actions like: race riots, Timothy McVeigh-inspired violence, and cancer-ravaged family members left to crap shoot for care because you and your xenophobic, zombie cult don't know the first thing about socialism and how it is supposed to work under the true definition since you were obviously asleep in the back of the class when that lesson took place. So, the next time you're screaming down a politician or teabagging away the moments that make up a dull mind, remember two words that make life more enjoyable for everyone- cover up. Your mouth and the ramblings that come out of it. It's the patriotic thing to do. After all it's what the previous administration did and look at all the book deals they got.

Dr. Joe McCratty- Health Care Death Panels

This is Dr. Joe McCratty from the Institute of Things That You Should Know About.

Did you know our government is planning to do away with all senior citizens if this Obama fella has his way with health care? I didn't know that until now.

Health care should be for those who can afford it not just given out willynilly to every Tom, Dick and Harriet who sticks their paw out and asks for a hand out from the Feds. If you work hard for your health care it goes further and has longer lasting effects. Everyone at my Senior Center knows that and half of them can't remember where they parked their cars for God's sake.

Do you know that the liberals are planning to have death panels that will meet with your doctor and schedule your demise like it's too much of a burden to a family to take it upon themselves to decide how a person's last days should be spent and how much should be spent on those days. I'm not making any sense, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let somebody tell me what, when and where to eliminate without this old Brigadier General plotting out the last war map. No, I'll thank you to keep your hands off my health care where I will defend those who depend on their depends till the ends by God and glory. Now, I have to get back to whatever it was I was doing before I was rudely interrupted by the always flailin Sarah Palin and her fight for old people to overcome Death Panels, like Arlene Francis overcame the What's My Line Panel to guess the mystery guest everytime.

Remember, health care death panels can kill and will kill if we don't kill them first, and remember , always remember, Watch Out!!!!

Pensive Ponderings by Jeff James

As I look out on my backyard today I can't help pondering the majesty of God's creation and all the evidence that our creator not only knew what he was doing, but had a good laugh on life. Take the birds of the air and the act of flight that allows for the giant hawk to appear out of nowhere and maul the head off of the helpless squirrell. Or how about those neighbor cats bonking each other beneath my bedroom window last night with the romantic sounds of a criminal act of aggression or a savage dance of love that is better left to the imagination or animal control. I wonder how the tall pines sigh effortlessly while our nation is seized by the fascist forces of a colored president who only yesterday could have been picking up my things at the airport or asking me if I wanted my shoes shined for a gleaming dime. Time is both friend and foe in the backyard of our lives. One day we are young and full of hope and the next we are wrinkled and stepping on a present left by one of nature's naughty beasts. Only our country with all the possibilities it affords those who come from the right pedigree or breeding, can look out on all this and declare it, not only good, but bought lock, stock and barrel with good, old, fashioned know-how and a nodding wink to technology. Yes, how perfect this backyard is today, if only the black couple would take a hint from my burning effigee of the President and move out before the night whispers sweet nothings to a new dawn. Ponder that my brethren and sistren, and sleep per chance to wake in a cold sweat for all is but a thought, a vision, a ... jesus, what the h&*% are those two doing now, I mean there's kids in this house and they can see you through this telescope too. A pondering, a thought, a little something to chew on as you make your way through this gift we call today.

News Across America!! Health care addition

NEWS ACROSS

From the homophobic shores of California to the narrow-minded homes in Delaware Bay, From the tall-pined northwood homeland of the Michigan militia to the trigger happy hearts of the southern border patrol comes the only news thats for yous, News Across America!!!!

PRESIDENT FACES LOUD, DANGEROUS DUMB PEOPLE WHO CAN MAKE FISTS

The President continues to face stiff opposition on his health care plan from people who are louder, dumber, more dangerous than anyone cares to know and can make a fist like the one at the left. The almost exclusively out of touch white group, bear a striking resemblance to the same group that protested Tax Day by carrying handguns, hoisting racially insulting signs of the Prez, and not being able to put an entire sentence together without prompting from Glenn Beck, Fox News or Rush Limbaugh's Excrement in Broadcasting and at least three of the four words involved in that same sentence. The latest news has the anti-health care group trying to shout down some Senator while misquoting the bible, the facts about healthcare in America, and calling anything the government does socialism with the sound of a bleeting sheep, Rosie O'Donnell or both. But not all is bad news. The group is vocally tight. Some even started to shout in choral rounds, four part harmony, and non-sensical tongues. By the end of the day many were shaking on the ground and surprised to find the ground had opened up and swallowed them whole. Sucks to be them.

PALIN MAY BE CURSED WITH SAME DISEASE THAT STRUCK DORIAN GRAY

The picture on the left is one of Sarah Palin without her makeup or those glasses that make every neocon fantasize about things that even the Kennedy boys would find tasteless and perverted. Palin is actually alot older than many think and her husband could only say " I don't know why, but I can never go up in the attic and look at this picture somebody painted of her years ago." You know what they say a picture is worth a thousand words most of which can't be repeated in public without legal representation. The former governor smiled charmingly and roared in a voice that would shatter the gates of hell "The picture is not getting older, the liberal media is getting older." More on this story when actual facts or details pass by this desk.

HEALTH CARE BEARS LATEST ATTEMPT TO MAKE MONEY OFF MAJOR ISSUE
Finally, it looks like fans of the Care Bears can look forward to their involvement in the health care issue as they head into syndication this August with a new Health Care Bears Show that has our old pals facing issues on aging parents, single payer socialism, and finding a new place to live where prescriptions don't cost a whole tree full of honey and shiny items. Wow, the Health Care Bears, that really is a stretch, but well worth it if you can even remember who the Care Bears are in the first place.

This has been News Across America, join us next week when we find out who the hot spicy number is at the Supreme Court.

Fingerpointing with Ted Tugnutz, Angry American

I'm pointing my finger at you, Democratic politician at your so called Town Hall Meeting. My stubby finger is right in your face Congressman Communist and Senator Socialist. I'm even waving my finger at some of you who won't pay any attention to my finger being pointed at your face or should I say two faces. I am doing this because I am a white guy who didn't get a college education and feel passed over by those liberal college boys who live in their ivory towers made up of ivory, gold, and other rich people stuff. I am doing this because I have misplaced male aggression due to a poor father figure in my forming years according to the company shrink at my mall job. I am pointing my finger at you in an effort to scare you into doing what I say because I believe in this country and the way we dumped tea into some water place to make sure we don't pay no taxes no more or let some Pete or Pam Politician tell us when our old people can be killed or die before we kill them off ourselves by sending them to poorly run private nursing homes. I don't need government telling me it's going to prevent my health problems when I 've done just fine on my own working these five jobs. It's like that Glenn Beck guy said about President White Hater being a racist who is only stirring up guys like me to show up at these meetings, which are really not meetings and are not at any Town Hall. I point my finger because I love this country more than the next guy and just as much as the last guy and probably darn close to the guy who decided to kill that abortion doctor who killed all them babies and deserved what he had coming to him in the way of fingerpointing and white male hatred.

Speaking of that, I sure do love a heaping bowl of unfocused white, male hatred in the morning before I go to work. That's part of this patriot breakfast plan. So, get your health care crap out of my puss or you'll get an even bigger finger pointed at you. Now, I have to get back to my mall security job or my boss will have my ass and you'll never get another one of these little macho manifestos from your old pal Ted. Hey, kid, no skateboarding in the mall!!

This baby is in the running to become First Secretary of Infancy!!!

SENATE HEARINGS COULD GET UGLY FOR CUTE BABY!

Sources imbedded in the baby community have confirmed the news that the tot pictured at the top of this article is being considered for the First Secretary of Infancy , an office heretofore unknown to the general population and one that seems more apropos for our current crop of politicians than an actual infant. At this posting, we do not know any details about the name of the baby or the birthplace except that he answers to Billyboo, Babykins and Mommies' Little Man. The press asked the drooling tike about exploratory committees and the usual campaign financing drivel, only to be stonewalled by a media-savvy toddler with the ability to coo and ga ga his way out of any press conference pitfalls. When asked about his stand on breast feeding versus formula, the tike shook his unsteady head with the soft spot in the middle of it, stared the reporter down with the drunken, wide-eyed gaze of a senator caught with his pants down around their ankles, and simply said- "Doo dee doo dee ma ma gwip Eeee, wum ( rest is indecipherable)". The 15 minute press conference ended with a loud ,wailing, cry from the little bundle of joy and a squooshed face that was followed by an immediate end to the proceedings so that his mother could take him to the changing room to replace a stinky diaper and talk to the spin doctors about the latest polls on CNN. American Chaos will continue to keep you up to date on the details in this process and why it exists in the first place. The Republicans were busy challenging his birth certificate for no apparent reason, except that they have decided to react to any news like a bunch of overgrown babies who want their mommies and all the attention of the world, no matter how bad they look in terms of actually discussing the real issues that effect America and our newborn to 2 year old population. We're starting to see a definite pattern taking shape when it comes to the GOP. We'll try to keep abreast of this news as it develops. Get it, abreast and develops- that's the kind of humor you get from journalists who spend way too much time around the watercooler and on Facebook and not enough time checking sources.

Chaos responds to Little Timmy

Dear Timmy,

It sounds like your friend is under the mistaken impression that someone gives a rats' ass about his opinion. Sure, he's right that America labors under the delusion that our military technology is superior to all other nations and that's always good for an easy laugh at mixed company parties at the Pentagon, but he's missing the hard facts that everyone else hasn't really done anything to strike terror into the hearts of man the way Dennis Kucinich does every time he mentions outer space and urban renewal. Sure, that Iranian guy, who looks like a bearded combination of Moe Howard and the foreign guy from That 70's Show, has a bomb and no idea how he got into a position of power. So, that's troubling, but it's Iran and they only have Holy Wars that are declared by holy men and I don't see any at the moment, unless the Ayatollah is still alive and not just lying in state,which if that's the case, someone needs to notify his next of kin and get the man a decent public ceremony with a sect that has some seniority and clout. I'm sure your friend said that North Korea could count as a country that can beat us up, but all it takes is one look at their leader Mr. Kim Jong to discount that one. The guy looks like Bobby Lee from Mad TV when he's dressed as Margaret Cho. No, Little Timmy, your buddy is just mixed up and confused about alot of things, like how his dad can be a highly trained surgeon in his old country and a barely trained Telemarketer in the good old U S of A. Chaos suggests you go over to your pals' house with a peace offering of a personalized Jart and War of Hate Things T-Shirt made by you from one of your own T-shirts and a bad permanent marker and I think all will be swell with you two boys. Oh, to be young and full of hope again, like you kids are right now. It only gets worse from here, if you listen to Lou Dobbs and his doddering, old man thoughts that make you wonder when he will be wheeled off the set and into assisted living or some other place where he can eat his strained apricots without getting interrupted by reality. Until next time, keep doing what your parents tell you to and everything will come out in the wash,

Toodles,

Your Big Imposing Friend,

American Chaos

P.S.- You're right, different is funny and nothing is funnier than the red dot in the middle of Meeshmur's mom's forehead. Just don't mention we said that if you value your friendship.

A Letter from Little Timmy

Dear Chaos,

I had a fight with my friend Meeshmur today and now I don't know if I want to play with him anymore. I am still mad at him because he said that his country could beat my country up and I told him America can beat up his country and all other countries also. He grabbed my head and I grabbed his head and our parents had to break us up. His country is not as strong as he says even though he said they have a bomb and all we have is our stupid reliance on outdated military technology and a class system that makes the cast system look like a high school graduation party. I get so mad at Meeshmur when he uses big words and things I don't understand just because his dad says he can. I used to like him because he has super fast internet and we play War Of Hate Things at his house or he comes over to my house and we play a game of Jarts in the basement. Now, his mom and my mom won't even talk to each other because we are not friends anymore. What can I do to be friends with my friend Meeshmur again? I really miss his super fast internet and the way his mom always has a funny red mark in the middle of her forehead. It's funny if you see it because it's something different and different is funny to me.

Your fan and friend,

Little Timmy