The Fried Truth continues to cook up the pot of marinaded media spin, fry-lined frankness, and greasy- spooned gravitas , so that we can serve you the finest in short-ordered common sense cuisine.
The Fried Truth today needs to tell you something that should be apparent, but needs to be flown across every sky from sea to shining sea-
America, You've really let yourself go!
This is not Kirstie Alley let yourself go or reunited Jane's Addiction let yourself go. This is What Not To Wear, Think, Say, or Do, let yourself go.
What's happened to you and what are you thinking, America ? Do you really need to saunter around the summer fest circuit with all of your assets, emphasis on ass, hanging out like bored adolescents at a mall food court? The seven wonders of the world do not cover the seven, sweaty rolls of saturated fat that only serve to further the argument that inactive teens and McDonald's really need a trial separation. But don't worry, this latest fat fad of letting it all tumble out to celebrate the Rubinesque attributes of a nation who just can't pass up the Super-sized order of gluttony at The Lucky if You Get Old Country Buffet is not limited to pulchritudinous pork-outs at the All Your Vital Signs are High School. Every age category is under a false sense of self image by letting everyone with passable vision see the car wreck that the supposed good life of the 1990s and early 21st Century has wrought. Hey, 60 year old hippies who think the bikini is a good fit still: It isn't. You are no longer 25, and Woodstock is a long, gone acid trip with bad sound and more lost memories than the premise to The Hangover. As for you drunk in public roofers: sun-burned shirtlessness and gin-blossomed noses that would make W.C. Fields jealous are not the look you should be going for unless there is a pre-eminent meeting with local authorities that involves a stun gun and thorazine.
America, you have really let yourself go!
Listen, I could be in much better shape, but I'm an entire country and I think you can see why I need cooperation in this effort. I don't expect beach bods or Stepford- like robotic sameness. I'm just appealing to your good side, which , I hate to tell you, I have not noticed lately since the unappealing side has been so prominently featured. Two words- cover up! Please. The same goes for your intellectual flabbiness.
The health care town hall meetings have just underscored the adjective "ugly" in the term "ugly american" that tends to be the way many still see us on the world stage. People with the IQ of Banjo Boy in Deliverance are allowed to parade the most cretinous thoughts since the Salem Witch Trials on every basic cable news channel desperate for viewers just like you and the NRA, Flag-pinned minuteman who doesn't like to read between the lines of anything , especially historically accurate textbooks, unless it includes reading between the lines of his middle finger and the cold dead remaining fingers of his trigger-happy hand. America, listen to yourself. Nazi Germany? You wish you could be promoted to Inglourious in the world of Bastardom. You really want to make that correlation between Hitler and Health Care? Thom Friedman told us that the World is Flat and I don't think he was talking about your brain activity. Leave the Nazi comments to Mel Brooks movies where they have the proper context and are at least loaded with irony and hilarity. You're following the megaphone-volumed squeak of the Limbaughs, Becks, and Savages who look at you and see dollar signs, new sports cars, McMansions, and little else. You follow the logic of Joe The Plumber and the kind of logic that has more cracks in it than a plumbing convention. They don't see the consequences of irresponsible actions like: race riots, Timothy McVeigh-inspired violence, and cancer-ravaged family members left to crap shoot for care because you and your xenophobic, zombie cult don't know the first thing about socialism and how it is supposed to work under the true definition since you were obviously asleep in the back of the class when that lesson took place. So, the next time you're screaming down a politician or teabagging away the moments that make up a dull mind, remember two words that make life more enjoyable for everyone- cover up. Your mouth and the ramblings that come out of it. It's the patriotic thing to do. After all it's what the previous administration did and look at all the book deals they got.
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