News Across America

NEWS
ACROSS









This week's news across America!!-



The far left found its sense of humor in between the cushions of an old couch it placed on the curb today. They also found George McGovern and the remnants of Ralph Nader's electability, as well as some cheese doodles and a dog-eared copy of The Worker's Pamphlet, the paper for socialists with a really short attention span.



Conservative Christians , never ones to miss an opportunity to make racist remarks, declared Wednesdays to be Whites Only Wednesdays at every place west of the Mississippi, and that includes you San Francisco. Whites Only, every Wednesday no matter how bad it looks to the rest of the world.

Donald Rumsfeld is home resting after an arduous 6 years sabotaging the war in Iraq and generally screwing up everything he came in contact with including the vast liberal conspiracy of the entire Bush Administration and Fox News. Rumsfeld said he'll take some time off to play a little golf, laugh at the misfortune of the same poor suckers who get roped into fighting the same pointless war for the same wealthy war merchants , play as much World of War as he can get in on a 24 hour basis, and start to put together the exit strategy for supporting the troops in half-hearted, insulting ways that really don't account for the humanity he has crushed with the help of his good friends Lucifer and Dick Cheney, though it's getting harder to tell those two apart the older they get. Can't wait for the book deal and the movie, Don.



Finally, Joking John Kerry is leaving politics to head up his own late night comedy show called The Late Night John on Trio. Yeah, Trio, does anyone get that network? I didn't think so. With his hilarious 2004 campaign long behind him and a penchant for physical schtick and amusing anecdotes, Kerry thought this would be the best way to help America laugh at all their troubles, and get him out of the house five days a week. Judging by the less than overwhelming response from the network and his own family, who only stated that they both agreed there has to be a better option available to the Senator, this might not be the best career decision for JK. Here's hoping Senator Kerry can do as well as Michael Dukakis did on the Michael Dukakis Dance Off- back when MTV still mattered.





Next week in News Across America!- Senators have sex with the people they married and Sarah Palin has a news conference and nobody shows up.